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  • The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  • It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • It maybe that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
  • If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.
  • The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  • The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  • Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  • All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
  • The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.
  • Money can't buy happiness, but it sure buys a better class of misery.
  • The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
  • Everything should be made a simple as possible, but no simpler.
  • Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you can't find them.
  • Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  • Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.
  • By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  • Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.
  • This is as bad as it can get - but don't bet on it.
  • One-seventh of life is spent on Monday.
  • Never wrestle with a pig - you both get dirty but only the pig enjoys it.
  • We can sympathise with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.
  • The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realise it's a "do it yourself" thing.
  • If you can't be kind - be vague.
  • Down with gravity!
  • Employ teenagers - while they know everything.
  • People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.
  • Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.
  • If only the good die you then what does that say about senior citizens?
  • The best antiques are old friends.
  • Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody .....!!
  • Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
  • A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.
  • Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck I'll be at the airport.
  • When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.
  • Always remember to pillage before you burn.
  • An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.

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